That Night

Do you remember that night, waiting for the dance in the rain. Feeling a little nervous, butterflies in the stomach. Disappearing into my own world because the world reminds me of my insecurities. I hoped that I didn't lose myself but you kept drawing me in. I couldn't help but feel all fuzzy and warm when we held hands, how awkward it felt when you looked into my eyes. For some reason I wanted that moment to last. I was excited, to an extent vulnerable. I found that there was something beautiful in that .

But then again my mind skips to random thoughts. Am caught in between involuntary gasps of breath and feeling so alive. My heart beating harder than usual. I don't know whether you feel the same, whether letting my guard down would be worth it. I keep thinking why am I here?

It wasn't like I didn't love being there I loved it, yes. It was one night I could say reality was everything I dreamt of, or even more than I could hope for. I wanted you for no one but myself.

I do not know where I stand yet. ...

That girl you want to wake up next to,
The one you hope says I do,

This girl willing to take a chance,
Not afraid you give her a heart break.

It's nights like this that are most difficult. Not exactly the most perfect. Although a few times they provide strength they tend to take everything away . When you allow yourself to this feeling so new . Not sure to be scared of the past or what's coming.
Because moments like these are truth.

That night ..... It was so extraordinary than I thought it would be.
Our laughs, were melodious so beautiful, for me atleast. What I love most was how you took care of me, so genuinely. For some reason I wanted the night longer, I just had to see you more even if you said nothing more, it was alright.

And when I woke up and found you there laying next to me. It was a dream come true.

Often it's you. ...

There is a fight to be won for all this mixed emotions I feel. There days when I wake up and the sky makes my swelling heart feel small. Sometimes everyone knows am not myself, most of the times the feeling is somewhere deep inside and outside of me it seems as fate.
  
I am that girl too busy fixing fears , building walls all around her. Growing up feels like giving up your soul. When you thought you let go but your still hanging on. When your hiding , trying to keep you safe.But when it hurts you will know its the right thing.

I have grown to really appreciate the waves. I love the moments I laugh and when its really good I cry. When I brush my teeth in front of the mirror because I am never more myself . I love receiving cards, cards so sweet you can't help but tear. I love reading, getting lost in my head that I forget everything around me. I love the morning silence, the moment that is everything sacred. I love a glass of wine oh how I really do .

I didn't  intend to write. Actually I had given up on ever writing. A clouded heart and mind I thought of all the unlisted feelings, hopes and dreams. I remembered I believe in smiles, tears , words. The power of the right words said at the right time.

Perhaps the real problem is I know I am guilty of everything that has happened to me and I am having a hard time letting go of that. Seeing from the eyes of the old instead of the young. At times I hope I can be like a new born baby, take everything on a clean slate.

Because often it's you.

Its the love you give, its your smile, your heart. It's what you did. What you understand, what you choose to express. It's whom you see in the mirror. How you like your coffee.

Am in the process of learning a great lesson in my life. Plant seeds of love. Whether you've had good or bad effect on people , that's your afterlife.

Trust with Love

Ivanress