On Death

This weekend has been a sad one. I read columns, people recollecting stories of lost loved ones. I saw photos, footage of people who died. I heard eulogies of the departed souls. I went to watch a play that was in memory of an actor who passed on. I accompanied my mother to a wake. This was the hardest part, I was afraid I would burst in tears. I didn't believe I was strong enough. I would've never gone through with it was it not for her persistence.

Until you loose someone quite close to you, it is difficult to say you understand death. Death is cruel and harsh. No one is fully able to understand the pain. The only way its better is if no one died. Everyone of us will die one day, so let no one fool you. But some of them leave us too fast, the vacuum too big. For this reason, we have always prayed for them. We ask God to give the peaceful rest. With the knowledge that it was His will and that He gives His strength and power that we may endure everything.

At the wake I sat at the back of the room, we had a mini service. Somewhere through, a few close people were asked to give their condolence speeches. Some, were really heartfelt , simple, yet very beautiful. But others were insensitive, depressing even. I was mad, angry, devastated. I can personally confess that am not the best with words in such situations. You must at least put yourself in ones shoes and such isn't easy.

A young girl lost her mother, only child, single mom. On the occasion, she left home for work as usual. Unfortunately there was a chase between police and some criminals and a stray bullet hit her directly on her heart. On hearing this story, I just thought hey maybe she was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Death was too early. Since we received the news I have had a stomach ache. Tears threatening my eyes. A day hasn't passed that I haven't  thought of that young girl. My heart breaks for her.

Grief and mourning was the order of the day. You think its over, then with the stories shared comes running streams of tears. You try to understand and its worse, so your left with just being positive.

Someone wrote on the condolence book, ' We loved you but God loved you more'.
How offensive!!!!! I almost cancelled this, I thought of tearing the page or crossing it over.

Another, said, ' The Lord gives and He takes.'
How? How do you make a young girl think so ill of God ? Do you think she will love God for taking away the mother! On the contrary she will hate Him for taking away her only parent. I seriously considered giving a lecture of what people should say at funerals.

God loves us, and it was His will that we live forever. Sin separated us from that plan. Our loved ones do not die because God has plucked His finest from His garden. It is the work of the devil, he plans to separate us from the love of God. Give thanks for everyday that your alive.
Death is an enemy, It doesn't care about your family, career, loved ones or you. It is a thief, It doesn't give TIME, leaves you lonely and most importantly sad. It will remain as it is A THIEF !!!!


It is well .....

Ivanress

Faith

A couple of nights ago, a restaurant at the corner of the street. I ordered my usual glass of wine, we sit with a friend discussing schedules, myself about my missed morning jogs, him how he wished his days began at noon on the couch. Making light conversations is never a hobby of mine, but the jazz band playing most of my favorite songs kept me well glued. The plan was for me to have a drink alone but that was before I ran into him and my alone time robbed. We talk about ourselves, we are each sharing embarrassing stories, he smiles, laughs and I cant help it too. I looked around and realize it wasn't so bad. He doesn't realize how delighted I am that he is here, even though awkward company it saved me from the loneliness.

As I began to want to leave, we had company. I'm automatically scared in situations like this. Don't get me wrong am very social but I am in spirit an introvert. My first reaction was I needed to leave before it got too late (or rather more awkward). A few pleasantries first, then the most peculiar thing happened. I was introduced as the girlfriend! For a minute I was confused, a tension wave overtook me. He then noticed I was standing there, tongue tied and held out his hand for me. At the back of my head I was certain this was a bad joke. It had only been a couple of months knowing each other, I don't move fast ever. I very politely sat next to him ensuring some distance between us. There are the tensions that render you silent, this was one of them.

I'm shrinking in my chair, very uncomfortable but mostly lost. Boyfriend, I smile at the thought of it. I notice everyone at the table is looking at me, I must have been thinking so hard I wasn't listening. I felt his cold hand against my skin, my fake boyfriend, bringing me back to earth. All of a sudden enter carefree me, I figured this cuts both ways and I for one having been an actresses it couldn't be as hard. I continued with the evening, good conversations were certainly there that I almost forgot to go home.We had such such an amazing time, the word had to be repeated twice. And part of me was glad.

 I passed for a fake girlfriend.

For whatever reason I continued to think about it, how natural it was. I had a half smile and almost cried. We had hugged goodbye, I didn't know whether we had broken up. I felt a great sense of shame. I'm not so proud I led a couple of people to believe I was someone I was not. But there was something else: One of the effects of acting like your dating is that you end up feeling like it! You become gullible. I don't think its the best feeling, in fact I hate that it leaves you feeling dependent.

I spent a great deal of time in the bathroom that night, I thought about the uncertainty of a man coming into my life. I missed getting to know someone, comparing it to my experience for the night. I realized I had been going through motions of everyday life, how easy is normalcy. Ha! But then again, isn't that how the dating game is, making one feel alive, wanted, excited.So waiting for the right guy is normal ...... boring yet. Even still, we anticipate the moment and even though we don't find them, we keep  faith. Everyone has a potential to be.

A few minutes after I got into bed, my phone beeped. " I liked tonight!" . Almost too quickly, I replied .... it was nice.

Winese :-)

A mini Vacation

 We met on the first day of high school; Her big browned eyed girl and me wearing an oversize skirt. I remember meeting her and thinking  too pretty, we cant be friends .We told strangers we were step sisters, we planned a future together. Our relationship thereafter  has spanned till to date. Technically we are better than best friends, I learnt a whole lot from her than I can give credit for.

I remember Thursday as a joke, I was asked to ask my boss to take the afternoon off, pack a few clothes ready for a trip. Somehow I lightened up immediately, normally I would think of a thousand and one reasons why not to go. You see one individual so passionate for sticking within her comfort zone is definitely me but I decided to bend some rules for the day.

We set off early evening

Kodak moments 

I was so delighted my cheeks still hurt so much from all the smiling and laughing. Love and genuine care doesn't necessarily come wrapped in gifts, what it does is instill power to see others on a more personal level and spread cheer in their lives like a virus.

The first destination was to buy a goat for the ceremony, it was my girlfriends  post birthday celebration. We later drove through too many potholes to the beautiful campsite (Olorgesailie) which I didn't get to fully explore till the next morning and was freaking hot too.

Olorgesailie Campsite

Beautiful Bandas 

The first night was spent around a bonfire, with lots to eat and drink, the plan was to stay in the open air, till the crack of dawn but I was the last person standing at 4 am (ok lol with 5 other people too). I highly recommend games with this kind of things, no matter what trip you are on spice up with crazy games for some wicked fun. Aside from the fire there was a full moon which lit up the place.

Hi friend :-)

Dinner

Full moon

Bonfire

3 am selfies

In the morning we set off for Magadi, it was really scenic. I'm an outdoor kind of person and I couldn't have asked for better weather. I was so excited to as we drove, the breeze was to die for and cooled me off from the boiling temperatures (40 degrees or so). We stopped over at a maasai village to catch some bitings and drinks as it was a long drive.

Beautiful weather

Wooow!!! First green I saw in a while

Awesome

We finally got to Magadi, after two hours lets just say I was beyond thrilled I had to take a selfie.

Hello Magadi

Lake Magadi and Flamingos

Yes I may have gotten a little carried away, I took too many photos my camera battery was exhausted and there were too many to choose from. The weather in Magadi was up by 20 degrees first stop was to take a swim at the sports club, and catch cold drinks. Later our hosts and friends of friends showed up and soon there was a huge party crowd that couldn't be controlled.

The sunset was bliss

What I liked most was that some friendships were created others deepened. So much bonding was done and I had the most fun and endless memories of the days and nights am overwhelmed just thinking about it. I am so glad I allowed myself to experience a carefree weekend even though it felt like one long day.It was such a spontaneous and random treat and I may have gotten a little stupid but I was on top of the world (princess kind of)

Ok bye

Saturday night/Sunday morning, its still unclear. The last people standing , of course I was one of them, set off for the hot springs. They were really hot and nice, natural spa ...... I was to say the least fascinated. The water was salty and used the mud at the bottom as face masks. We had another bonfire there and late night chats. I almost saw the sunrise but my eyes were too heavy all I was craving was sleep and more sleep.

4 am , face mask

We had to leave and head home the next day but if it were up to me we should have been there a week or even a month. I wanted us to explore more and cross over to Tanzania. I fell in love with beautiful town more than I could have ever imagined. Leaving the very big vacation house was bitter sweet. The sun was too hot part of my skin got darker, am glad I got no sunburns. We were all so worn out, the Psyche was on the lower side of the scale.

Goodbye

Anyway to top it off, it was an absolutely awesome trip and I couldn't have spent it with a more amazing crew. It has the most favourable of memories , and I learnt the best of lessons, Go hard with the people that matter. I'm happy to have been part of it.

From a cheerful heart,

Ivanress

Gleeful

I am wicked happy,

Lots of very happy,

*insert cheesy smile*

My face though :-)

 This month has all makings of being fantastic. Its safe to say am at the best peak of my journey, Self actualization. Probably in my post awkward girl phase :-). I figure the timing might be off but am sort of loving the fun but not so much the pain.

The countdown to my first marathon began with an intense gym workout, the kind that you wake up the next morning feeling disastrously sore. I was afraid I wouldn't make it out of the house for days but a very very long hot bath soothed me just right. In high school I'd sign up for this kinda stuff for the free glucose, I would've never gone through with it for free, But I didn't  finished not even a single race. My mum thinks running is torture, I'd probably believe if it were an year ago but what do I know I've only been doing this 1 or so months and I hear your supposed to do a couple of years before you can speak.   

My ribs hurt so badly after that laugh :-(

There many things we do in life that makes us happy (ice-cream), others more than just happy. Its not everyday you get to do something that makes you more than just happy with an added bonus of helping the society. So I'm officially major excited to be doing this.

The day I first went on board was horrible. I set off that day with that one song I couldn't get out of my head the whole week. It turned out there plenty of morning runners which came as a rude shock, on the other hand it was a good relief. After minutes of small pace jogs (because my friends always say I run funnily *sneers*) I had reached my limit and was feeling sickly. I had to sit down and almost throw up. I had to learn the most valuable lesson yet the hard way .You can not run on an empty stomach. By the time I got home my mind was made up that it wasn't meant for me.

Foodie :-)

All gone

Apparently there is weight gain in keeping fit (hard earned gym muscle). I try not to weigh myself ..... Rewind an year plus back, I'm at a hospital and my sister is taking too long. A nurse approaches me and whether she could conduct a couple of health tests, my reaction, "yeah okay, whatever! I couldn't believe my weight after all the walking, swimming and cutting back on food .... anyway she explained that my bones were healthy, at least that's what I gathered. I vowed never to measure but come in gym trainer with stern face I had to obey.

Heaven alright!

It makes me sad that I always said I would join a dance class in vain. Though am not the dancing type, I recently realized that its such a perfect workout. I laugh about it now thinking about it, some of those moves I had to do were so hilarious I thought we were auditioning for dirty dancing. So my next project is to get my self  in a dance class. In my defense for all those 20 something years without dancing, rock music!

Each day am figuring myself out the more, I haven't looked and felt as fit as I do now in uh, oh three years, yikes! Well, its been a long time coming. Change - good change is coming and I am falling in love with it by the day.

I love that I take walks with my mum on weekends. I love how she makes me laugh, how she knows me too well. I love that am not a quiet daughter and that she always loves me.
I love sweaty hugs, and love hugs too. I love that a hug allows you to hear someone breath and touch them. More so feel their heart beating.
I love a good Run. I love how the wind blows against you, love how people stare at you some even say hello. I love that my whole body is heated up and craving for an ice bath. I love seeing the distance, how far away my two feet can take me.
I love early mornings, the Sun, the chirping birds, the break of dawn. I love clean, fresh air. I love a new day, new possibilities, new challenges, new drive. They say even the darkest nights will end and the sun will rise.
I love the Moon, Oh how I love the moon. I could stare at it all night. Looking at it puts me in a good mood, its exciting for no cause and makes me smile.
I love coffee, coffee everyday!
I love books. Book Loving is one of my favorite hobby. I love how everyone complains that am drawn away because am too lost in a book. I love how some books endings leave the characters lives going on in your mind.
I love my friends, new friends, old long time ones, the ones I hope to meet, the ones we have fallen off. There is never any that I don't appreciate. Always and forever.
I love a glass of wine, any day.

I love nuts too

From a Happy place .....

Ivanress (Miss)

Let me woo you with my Ide'e Fixe !!!!

Hello,

It seems like this year was starting and now its almost over, and if by bad luck I cant help but be sad. So much has happened it was a blur of good and bad stuff. My new year goal was to make a fresh start (insert cliche reason) , I have always been off track in my goals but this year I decided to do it differently.

This year am celebrating my new dress size. I was ecstatic when I learnt that am like two sizes smaller, it seems so surreal considering I started serious workout mid this year. You know how the say find what you love and let it kill you .... I think I did, fitness has being my guilty pleasure. Being a confessed early bird, every work day (almost)  I jog through my home area. I know I'm a decade late into this but this is a delightful find. I was kinda drawn into it by a need to change my normal routine which was very very boring and a dream vacay in which Bikinis may be worn lol.

Yet again I don't see nothing wrong with a girl needing a make over, being stronger, spending some quality alone time and making herself proud. We know the criticism that comes with an obsession to be fit, the comments and opinions as well I have gotten a couple of that but am focusing on making it count. Although I know its not as easy as it sounds am thrilled by the headway and quite certain the future holds a lot of promise.

Truth be told I have always been a chubby. Had someone told me way back I would need to wear curve hugging dresses for my self love days I would have avoided some of my food choices then. Much has changed over the years and of course much has remained too and it takes a mirror staring at you to really see this frankly. With adult life really kicking in, it calls for some responsibilities and lifestyle changes.

I kick off by refuting claims that am anorexic, I have had days when I wake up and feel fat just because I indulged in a LOT of calories eating the previous day but that is just that another bad day. I know we all have this phase, not only will that kinda day give me more psyche to push harder but I feel contended.

#2

I'm a foodie, I love eating food anything yummy.  If your wondering whats better than scrumptious chicken burger, Ice-cream and a glass of wine well nothing. In my opinion people should just stop thinking and eat plus work a little harder. (well at least I try) Food is the fuel for our body.


#3
A friend told me that am overly keen. I really don't know if this makes me a good or a bad person. It may seem really odd for people but I do this subconsciously. Sometimes you try stop but you can only hide who you truly are for a reasonable amount of time. An enthusiast is what I am and its nothing to be ashamed of. So yes at this point in life being fit is fascinating.

#4
Amazing can not even begin to describe the fun of muscle soreness also include comical. Nothing gives me more thrill than seeing the calories count on those gym machines. What I love is being there and having someone motivate me, keep me accountable and it kicks my butt in the best way possible. Trust me you will feel like the queen of the world afterwards. I think my best kinda fun is getting my sweat on, I highly recommend exercise not necessarily in a gym but any activity that makes you feel tougher. (insert cool face)

#5
 Sometimes we are all somewhere in life, either Self Love or Self Loathe. Either you have it or you don't. The tough part is to know your not willing to have the courage to embrace you have it (either) but mostly denial is on the latter. I was/is what you would call a therebetween-er. (I'd probably say carefree) I was determined to never get bothered by what others thought which I perfected, probably the lamest reason thinking about it now. In my mind honestly I know I can look better and weirdly its doesn't take trying too hard to get there.

I have to admit am pretty taken by this new hobby, its my biggest commitment yet. It is so important to me that I complete a marathon lets say 5 kilometres without walking, climb a mountain and have all sorts of fun with no hold backs. If motivation is anything to go by am in fine company and I cant resist to smile each time I go shopping because I mean duh! And of course the beauty of the earth before the sun comes up is extra ordinary.

We can all go running now .......

From a happy place

Martie