I WILL GET THERE

Do you love me  ????

I'm the girl who might not be in touch with her emotions and I wouldn't have it any other way. I stopped allowing myself to be moved and guess what, its not working any more !!!! Or maybe it did not.  But at some point something changed. I stopped talking about it and eventually it didn't affect me anymore or maybe I pretend not to feel anything.

 As i typed this, I pondered if this could be true. I think of all the people I have loved, when I have said I love you, did I mean it ??? I think of the people I have lost, could I be wrong in doing so ??? I think of the people I promised forever, does it really work ???

I will let that sink in for a moment .

It seems everyone has that fear, we all want to feel safe , the promise from someone else that we will be, feel the comfort of being loved. I see how people react to feeling unsafe, hurt and anger and wish I had those emotional outlets.The best lesson in life is that through pain, through tears, through hurt, there is Love. And if I can believe my love for others exists, I should be able to believe that always and forever exist.

When I can't find the words, I look for someone else's. Poetry, songs, well put words that make your heart bump ..... Ironically, they end up taking me to that place.

The answer is YES !!! I have heard a few I Love yous and said a few I Love yous. They feel right I'm sure of it. I feel that I should tell it to the world that there are those people who love me, who show up and remind me I am worthy and I deserve love and support. Part of me feels like I do not deserve it, there pieces of us that aren't pretty but are part of us. Sometimes its hard to love yourself.

This is what I want for me, I want to be there, I'm not sure am there yet, but I will get there ......................

Here goes ....

Ivanress

In a thousand moons

I'm starting to realize that sometimes you have to alter your dreams, change your needs and wants to make new ones. Letting go does not mean giving up, instead it changes how we hope, wish or expect things to be.

This post is dedicated to people who like me, have held something so close, wished upon every star but nothing feels any better. Being caught up in a place where you wish you were miles away, stuck in between the yesterdays, tomorrows and the uncertainty of the present. Take a deep breath, live another day. Sometimes we have to accept that there will always be people that stay in our hearts even if not in our lives.

People are afraid of a list of things;

1. Themselves.
2. Reality
3.  and definitely Feelings.

 Human beings are designated by default, relationships are flawed from the start. It always calm before the storm. Everything in the world is make believe. However the beauty of our imperfections are so rare only a few can fathom. An Emotion is a gift, a feeling, a way of life. Few have the courage and confidence to interpret or understand how they themselves feel, but so long as it has a profound affect on a person it cannot be erased, it can only be passed on.

Its a never ending battle with reality and feelings, at times you need to stop fighting, let whatever happens, happen. Take a stride, move forward.

 Fear I'd say is the work of our imaginations.We need to learn to let the soul learn to find the path itself. Maybe, just maybe we are too busy counting the stars we miss the moon. The number of moons might have been hundreds, thousands perhaps. The twisted part of it all is that sometimes you have to be with the person who makes you smile even if it means waiting.


                                             
Signing out ............ Ivanress.

OVER, OVER THINKING YOU

I sit at my desk, and my mind wanders. Some days you feel lost and you can hear yourself dreaming. This is definitely one of those days. Blame it on coffee hangovers or whatever I dont know just make it sound human.

My days are mostly alike, I never sleep enough, never eat enough, my body refuses to wake me up on time I have been fighting battle with the universe literally with this unsympathetic schedule. I'm not complaining merely tired. Everyone gets tired. This is no defense for whom I have become, who I am, or who I will become.
If I weren't this girl I would be well, this girl. Yes, we have known each other for a very long time. Like a true friend you have stuck by through all. Sometimes its hard but we fight our battles no matter how tough. 

Forgive me for my short paragraphs, its just how my mind is working at the moment. (read exhausted) 
I'm out of sight, out of mind, and feels like out of love. There are no stars in the city, no dreams in my sleep, no butterflies in the air. The kind of feeling that makes you just wanna have the shower run 10 minutes plus, then head straight  under your sheets. But your not sleeping, just trying to, running away from all these things unseen but are haunting you. 

 The answer

  "A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes." -Hugh Downs


 


                     JESSIE J - WHO YOU ARE


               


Dear self ;

    I will make sure to keep my distance, say I love you when your not listening .....

Love Ivanress

Happy Reunion

 Hooray !!!! Hump day,  for some strange reason this is my favorite day of the week. And according to my schedule I should be somewhere locked up in between book shelves trying to burst my brains out. 

If your anything like me, reading does not come easy, but reading makes us different so its necessary.  No, I am not about to rant, I by no means desire to bore you with the details so am just going to go ahead and share the post.

 For the couple of months, I have been feeling like my heart is at the right place. Everything that has somewhat happened has brought me new joy, new acquaintances, new feelings n the likes. However I recently reunited with a long lost girlfriend and boy had I missed her soul.

" The best mirror in the world is an old friend "

The truth in this quote was realized over a cup of coffee, the old tales, jokes and just opening up was just what I needed to make me see me from someone else eyes.

1)Martha, still has got lots of investigative questions.(working on that by the way)

2)She still is a coffee addict :)

3)She has become so philanthropic. (It comes with the age)

 Old flames die hard, I still love this girl to bits. She was a part of me and is still someone I would love to grow old sharing secrets, moments and smiles with. 

Through it all, I learned a great lesson ,
                 
In times of uncertainty , drink coffee  *_*

YESTERDAY !!!

Aaaargh!!! I feel so busy these days!!!   But thanks God I have this page to share some few words with my 70 readers ,  ^_^ lol yes I counted ..... Keep reading . 

I feel like I need a weekend after the weekend , its just ridiculous how soon Monday comes . August is really flying by  for me . Like any other person, am slacking on my new year resolutions 2013 and the year is coming to an end . If there is one thing I like about the end  of the year is, of course, My Birthday and The Holidays plus that Bucketlist :))) .

Yesterday I was determined to have some kind of different fun , and truth be told I did . I visited The Bomb blast memorial park and there was much to please the eyes . The park was established to commemorate the dead and the survivors of the August 7th bombing . I was surprised by how much I liked what I saw , the small park was peaceful . In there was  'Poetry in the park'  An open microphone event for spoken word and music . Listening to this live can only be described in one word , breathtaking .I was so inspired by the words , music and poetry. 

Later , I was at the phoenix players to watch a play . First off , I would recommend play watching to every human soul in the universe , being live ....... one is able to be in it, literally . Its been so long since I last went to the theatre and I felt the need to, plus a  good friend of mine was acting :)) 
I went with my sister , Pawa'n and she watched it with tearful eyes , ok lol maybe the ending . I would conclude and say we both really enjoyed .

The play 

 

The Play is showing at the phoenix players 

Great cast 

The cast 

No spoilers!!! 

All I have to say for now is that I think I have found myself some new hobbies, quite amazing I must add ; one resolution down, a couple more to go. Lesson learnt is there is something worth seeing, something worth doing and someone worth meeting around every corner.

*muchos gracias*

Ivanress

Once upon a song

I have always said to myself  that am well too bred to get furious . But when I began this piece I was so mad I wanted to crash my phone. I have somehow always thought that it would make me feel much better , smh !! Growing up I learnt this saying ' Loud music covers away the darkness ' so I put on my headphones and was ready to be taken away .

 A couple of songs and my thoughts are running in frenzy ..... longing , nostalgia , bliss. I have mixed feelings about all the feelings I'm feeling . My fingers stopped typing these last 10 minutes , there is an internal battle with my mind . Initially when I began writing I meant for this to be a collection of short stories because sometimes I read a book and I think I'm the people in the book . I know its absurd but I believe people are the happiest making art or making love , spending as much time as you would like in the imaginary world of our day dreams . I always find myself thinking there is got to be more than the world I am living .

Yesterday my mother put the most beautiful yet simple words in a text for me . I could not fight back the tears. As a female I am allowed to have some of this emotional changes and tides . Some of my moods maybe cured by chocolate , wine , good music . I find myself trying to escape who I am at times but I have known happiness but also recognize wallow . Truth is we all got bruises caused by our life crisis. My favorite song Collide - Howie Day has one of the most honest statement , ' Even the best fall down sometimes' .

Music can open eyes , change hearts , change the world . Life comes with no guarantees , no time outs , no second chances . For the lessons taught by the trials are the times in our lives that pose as the greatest tests of our character . Take risks . Fail , fail hard . Even the moon has a dark side . At the end of the day there is a song that will lift your spirit , relate to you . You never walk alone . 

Although now most of my days are spent alone , I am not without my best friend , I am the girl with the headphones on , smiling to herself , looking into the world .

May the bad be in your past ..... Listen to more music , watch more sunsets.

POST SCRIPT

GREETINGS ;

Ok , I am back . I am not so good at this ............. I spent the last one week practically thinking my mind off . Do not mind me , I am always over analyzing stuff .  First , I am happy that you all take your time to read through my writing .  The world around me has been far too kind  to inspire me get the words to fill this pages .

I guess I will rant a bit more , hmmmmmmmmmmm where to start ?

 I am still trying to figure a lot of things about this blog . Blogs and life , one and the same . I am pretty excited and nervous at the same time . My life has been no short of a novel , every year has been a chapter created , written and produced . Life has every thing to offer . I have fought with my demons for which I became victor and am ready to fight more if I have to . Angels have been born , wounds healed , scars faded but the memories remain . Only when you are older are you able to  look back at the past and see things for the way they really were .

Its been an interesting six months , I have made a life of my own , I have made steps and relationships that I am proud of doing . I am afraid I am growing up too fast , not a day goes by that I do not think about my lifetime as a kid . An era is coming to an end , learnt a lot , grew a lot it only keeps adding to the experience . Life is a never ending journey I enjoy being part of it . I am making sure to learn every bit .

This should have been my first post , write a 5000 characters bio insert lots of smileys . But I believe writing is talking  , discussing events and conveying emotions . A lot of self actualization is in store this year and the years ahead now that I have a public diary . I have no guide , I offer no advice ,no therapy .
Brightening things up I miss that girl I used to be , growing up makes you an introvert (probably just me ) you keep swallowing , swallowing , absorb like a sponge every emotion . If I start opening up and pouring out everyone will think its nothing short of  mid-life crisis . Don't get me wrong I am not in any way dramatic , I do a pretty good job at keeping my demons at bay . My attitude towards life is ; Bring that shit on !!! I'm excited for the future and what it holds , and I'm excited for the adventures I plan on taking this year , mental , emotional and physical . I hope my words come with me 


Bless 

Ivanress

Good Vibes

It has been quite a while since we last met , this blank paper and my thoughts. As I begin , it is a culture that every situation has a quote ( yeah yeah if everyone did not settle for just anything , this would not be the case) I plan on making people think , making people understand , making  people happy , to make you feel something . The world needs more people willing to feel something !!!

I am still at an age where any words of advice I offer are mostly words not much for the wise . One person I am wiser than though is the person I was two, five or ten years ago and definitely the person I was yesterday. I do not know much but I know much than I did then . This far , I believe that falling in love is one of life's greatest adventure , I believe everyone is good at heart . I am not lost , I am hopeful , I believe you are only lost when you lose the simple hope of being found , somewhere :) . The greatest thing to happen to you is to have your heart broken . This is great for three reasons , it means you have loved , you have lost , and you continued living . A learning experience at its best .This is the advice you were given but did not take , walk away when the only one giving love is you . Love will find even the smallest silver of good in people , after all it is all about seeing the perfect in the imperfect . Don't be too hard on yourself this is your first time  in this life , the best thing about it , is being able to get out of bed when you thought you could not . It means you are alive , freed , staring into the eyes of pain . Carry on , remember if there is one mistake you will make is fore going your true self . You can feel alive , you can feel love and it is in those seconds you know what you are surviving for , You .

The lessons we take with us

Perhaps I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but I doubt it. Lets face it, Its Thursday with the anticipation of the weekend to come it would do no justice blaming this very lovely day of the week for my morning misfortunes. Yes said it, I slept through my alarm for the first time in forever. If there is anything I have learnt over the years, Life is about the journey. It is so true and for me my destination is Happiness.

This post was inspired by a bathroom mirror, I am calling it a human exercise. They say if you don't know where your going any road will take you there. I question everyday why we are here, why for ages and countless more humans are born in this world without manual instructions or directions. But am yet to figure it out ..... Without directions you may head any way you please.

As I went through my morning routine, I was thinking of a well placed reason to why I was late . Weather, weather counts right ? I can barely come up with a believable story. I saw a different person in the mirror, a fighter , a lover , a survivor. My advice, don't let the world make you hard. The problem is we forget to love. We can escape hurt but we can't escape love . If I could take five minutes to talk to the girl in the mirror I would let her know that she is alive and free . People are just bodies there is more than meets the eyes. I do everything in my life out of love, whether for my family, friends, sanity or for my work. I realized I have been so absorbed I have lost myself but here is why. I am pursuing a career path, the problem with the world is , when the extra comes in we forget its non essential and forget to be appreciative of the people who are always there in good times and in bad, the love. This is my lesson this morning to appreciate everyone . You are your only true judge. With the out most truth look into your heart and ask your self , I am happy ?

I remember January I wrote 'Maybe life is meant to be easy and I am doing this the wrong way ' and over the months I have learnt so much. I am going along this life the same way you are: damn clueless. But this is what, I have figured it out: be kind , be soft and keep learning, discovering and moving. Even the tough stuff is all easy enough .

"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans'

Be good ;)