Faith

A couple of nights ago, a restaurant at the corner of the street. I ordered my usual glass of wine, we sit with a friend discussing schedules, myself about my missed morning jogs, him how he wished his days began at noon on the couch. Making light conversations is never a hobby of mine, but the jazz band playing most of my favorite songs kept me well glued. The plan was for me to have a drink alone but that was before I ran into him and my alone time robbed. We talk about ourselves, we are each sharing embarrassing stories, he smiles, laughs and I cant help it too. I looked around and realize it wasn't so bad. He doesn't realize how delighted I am that he is here, even though awkward company it saved me from the loneliness.

As I began to want to leave, we had company. I'm automatically scared in situations like this. Don't get me wrong am very social but I am in spirit an introvert. My first reaction was I needed to leave before it got too late (or rather more awkward). A few pleasantries first, then the most peculiar thing happened. I was introduced as the girlfriend! For a minute I was confused, a tension wave overtook me. He then noticed I was standing there, tongue tied and held out his hand for me. At the back of my head I was certain this was a bad joke. It had only been a couple of months knowing each other, I don't move fast ever. I very politely sat next to him ensuring some distance between us. There are the tensions that render you silent, this was one of them.

I'm shrinking in my chair, very uncomfortable but mostly lost. Boyfriend, I smile at the thought of it. I notice everyone at the table is looking at me, I must have been thinking so hard I wasn't listening. I felt his cold hand against my skin, my fake boyfriend, bringing me back to earth. All of a sudden enter carefree me, I figured this cuts both ways and I for one having been an actresses it couldn't be as hard. I continued with the evening, good conversations were certainly there that I almost forgot to go home.We had such such an amazing time, the word had to be repeated twice. And part of me was glad.

 I passed for a fake girlfriend.

For whatever reason I continued to think about it, how natural it was. I had a half smile and almost cried. We had hugged goodbye, I didn't know whether we had broken up. I felt a great sense of shame. I'm not so proud I led a couple of people to believe I was someone I was not. But there was something else: One of the effects of acting like your dating is that you end up feeling like it! You become gullible. I don't think its the best feeling, in fact I hate that it leaves you feeling dependent.

I spent a great deal of time in the bathroom that night, I thought about the uncertainty of a man coming into my life. I missed getting to know someone, comparing it to my experience for the night. I realized I had been going through motions of everyday life, how easy is normalcy. Ha! But then again, isn't that how the dating game is, making one feel alive, wanted, excited.So waiting for the right guy is normal ...... boring yet. Even still, we anticipate the moment and even though we don't find them, we keep  faith. Everyone has a potential to be.

A few minutes after I got into bed, my phone beeped. " I liked tonight!" . Almost too quickly, I replied .... it was nice.

Winese :-)